Back then I was so silent understood by some as a good attitude. They called me smart, kind, and humble. Such a big burrito, right? However, what is clear for me is I WAS SO FREAKIN' SHY. Sometimes somethings scared me to the point of making my body sweat and all of  the sudden it all became chaotic. Talking was like a nightmare to me, like a homework of 10 pages of essay in a day

I always feel bad towards others. I often say "sorry" and automatically think about it all day long.

When I was in college, I gave up all of my time on group projects. Simply, because I wanted to be the best. I worked hard for almost 7/7. There was a never-ending competitive feeling that urge me to be the best of the people around me. "If they can do it, why can't I?"

I easily felt so drained at that time, but I insisted. My friends often got good grades because of the results of my work, although they only gave the slightest effort to the project. Immaterial, I said. One thing I always say: "It's okay." 

Stupid sentence if I think about it now.

I was so young at that time.
Everything for me seems exciting. 

Everything seems to matter so much.
I give fucks for everything.

Then, as I grow older something else begins to change. My energy levels drop. I become selective about fucks I'm willing to give. Not that I was indifferent or cold like many people say. Otherwise, I call it as "maturity".

I remember that there is a famous Indonesian modest designer who said in her book that it is better for us to always pretend to be kind and happy eventhough it is fake so that other people feel better and comfortable around us. My response toward it: That is a complete bullshit. There are many things that contradict my principles. For me, I don't need to give a fuck about everything. I'm not saying she is wrong. It's a matter of perspective and what principle do you believe in.

Several times I got a reprimand from a friend just because there were some people who thought I was quite cold and act indifferent. If I feel unfamiliar, I tend to be as quiet as I am who really doesn't know him. I don't need to act fake by smiling at someone who I only know by face at the same workplace with me without getting acquainted before just because I feel bad not greeting him. That's stupid thing ever!

Several times I encountered something like this. They talked about this behind me, which I didn't care about. If that is the case, which I don't think is a problem, why don't they just greet me as they think before? Don't make it that hard.

This is the problem.

One thing I learned as I'm getting older is that when we give too many fucks about everything, then we will feel as though we are perpetually titled to feel happy and comfortable at all times. That's when life fucks us. Indeed, the ability to keep our fucks for only the most fuckworthy of situations would absolutely make our life a hell of a lot easier.

- DAS -