Back then I was so silent understood by some as a good attitude. They called me smart, kind, and humble. Such a big burrito, right? However, what is clear for me is I WAS SO FREAKIN' SHY. Sometimes somethings scared me to the point of making my body sweat and all of  the sudden it all became chaotic. Talking was like a nightmare to me, like a homework of 10 pages of essay in a day

I always feel bad towards others. I often say "sorry" and automatically think about it all day long.

When I was in college, I gave up all of my time on group projects. Simply, because I wanted to be the best. I worked hard for almost 7/7. There was a never-ending competitive feeling that urge me to be the best of the people around me. "If they can do it, why can't I?"

I easily felt so drained at that time, but I insisted. My friends often got good grades because of the results of my work, although they only gave the slightest effort to the project. Immaterial, I said. One thing I always say: "It's okay." 

Stupid sentence if I think about it now.

I was so young at that time.
Everything for me seems exciting. 

Everything seems to matter so much.
I give fucks for everything.

Then, as I grow older something else begins to change. My energy levels drop. I become selective about fucks I'm willing to give. Not that I was indifferent or cold like many people say. Otherwise, I call it as "maturity".

I remember that there is a famous Indonesian modest designer who said in her book that it is better for us to always pretend to be kind and happy eventhough it is fake so that other people feel better and comfortable around us. My response toward it: That is a complete bullshit. There are many things that contradict my principles. For me, I don't need to give a fuck about everything. I'm not saying she is wrong. It's a matter of perspective and what principle do you believe in.

Several times I got a reprimand from a friend just because there were some people who thought I was quite cold and act indifferent. If I feel unfamiliar, I tend to be as quiet as I am who really doesn't know him. I don't need to act fake by smiling at someone who I only know by face at the same workplace with me without getting acquainted before just because I feel bad not greeting him. That's stupid thing ever!

Several times I encountered something like this. They talked about this behind me, which I didn't care about. If that is the case, which I don't think is a problem, why don't they just greet me as they think before? Don't make it that hard.

This is the problem.

One thing I learned as I'm getting older is that when we give too many fucks about everything, then we will feel as though we are perpetually titled to feel happy and comfortable at all times. That's when life fucks us. Indeed, the ability to keep our fucks for only the most fuckworthy of situations would absolutely make our life a hell of a lot easier.

- DAS -

So, this is the randomest thing I've ever written among other random things before.

And of course, the other side of me that I rarely share to everyone.

In the past couple of weeks, I accidentally jumped into a song which made me instantly sad like a coward when I first heard it: Location unknown by Honne.

Yes

Everybody.

Know.

It.

I feel like my feelings for almost 8 years entirely summarized in this song. It's freakin' crazy. It felt like all the feelings that I didn't realize were a burden for me breaking down at once.

I'm quite closed when it comes into "relationship", except for a few people I trust. People I believe to look after it. Since he's such an integral part of my life and remembering that my blog as a place for me to share about my lifestyle, it only make sense he would make an appearance. I've never shared how we got together. There are things that not even my family and my friends know about the start of our relationship back then that made it so special.

It is funny for me to look back on it. Seeing how simple my faith was during this time. I so simply trusted. Sometimes it baffles me to see how I responded to so many situations, to see the faith God gave me to traverse what would have otherwise been trying and heart-wrenching decisions. 

I mean..

Long distance relationship is not a task without costs (emotionally, relationally but also financially). Instead, I'm grateful that he gave us both a deep peace that seemed to melt the miles and fold away the distance.

I just simply trusted that it must be what is for the best for us to live far away from each other, at least for now, and get to know one another via near-daily phone calls and the occasional weekend visit (two or three times in a year).

For you who are currently 848 kilometers away from me, this relationship for freakin' 8 years is hard. I know you have been struggling, instead I believe that you are worth the wait.

Hopefully..

Hopefully in the end everything goes parallel, hand in hand as it should ..

As we both plan.

- DAS -

This murmur flashed in my mind.

I feel like I have to write quickly to be immortalized.

To later be your reading material.

To be a slick sharing material.

Although at this time I lay on my bed and feel feverish throughout my body.

--

Lately I have been processing all the great and unpredictable events in the past two to three months.

I never cease to be thankful for what I have now.

Honestly, I had a hard time five months ago, and when I experienced difficulties on the journey, I started asking, "Why did God give me a quite winding road like this?" "Why am I a very complicated person in making choices that at the end of the day it leads me to a disappointment and a journey to fight back?" Questions like that have long remained silent in my mind. Then, a friend of mine came and was like throwing a ball in my face. He said "Don't blame God about your journey. You are the one that just too picky. You throw away some golden tickets for the uncertain things". 

I was silent: "What happened to me?" 

It was my weakness but it was like running towards me to attack.

When some people started questioning why it took me a long time to get back to looking for a job, it felt like I just wanted to be quiet. Sometimes there are things in your life that you don't need to explain to others, because.. I felt like it wasn't human capacity to answer. In fact, I'm busy choosing career opportunities that already exist. People started to give their opinions about me. You know what? Opinions are like assholes and everyone's got one. 

Yes. I am, again, talking about careers.

I always base all my life's journey on God's plan. Don't get me wrong. I meant what I believed in. I just need time to choose the things that can stipulate my heart and confidence. It takes me blink by blink to get here.

Long story short, I ended up working at a state owned company. And ... this is where I was able to see silver lining why God wanted to direct me here. Yep I didn't expect that I would really fit in with the culture, the people, and the work. Hamdulillah. As Sophia Amoruso said that there will always be a silver lining in everything. Once you begin to see it you will need sunglasses to combat the glare.

Every time I reflect on my previous experiences, I realize that everything I hate at the end of the day always becomes the best choice for me. In fact, when I choose everything I like (but my parents don't) it always ends up being a scourge for me. Funny, isn't it?

Even if I may be honest, the current work is soooo hard, but I am very challenged to continue to be able to provide more value to the company. One thing that I can pick and make it as a value of learning in my career based on my experience: Choose a job that keeps you motivated to learn. It's hard, even very difficult. You don't give up at all. Instead, it makes you motivated and very comfortable with the circle. That's the right career for you. Compete with yourself, not others. Trust me, there will always be a secret opportunity in every failure you have experienced. One more thing: Don't forget to consider the choice between your parents.

Believe me it's only a matter of time and determination.

Hopefully it will be a reflection for everyone reading this.

Hopefully you continue to believe that God will not put you in situations that are not your capacity.