Today is the last day of 2019.

Yes, you got through it.

You managed to survive.

Beyond the tug of life that is quite complicated, there are some things that keep me conscious. Some things that accompany me when the road feels deadlocked: musics, favorite YouTube channels, mind-opening books, and this blog, of course, my healing place and place to complain all year long.

It kinda looks like I am a sad girl doing sad things.
It is alright.
Indeed, I am a sensitive bunny crying if I want to.

More than you know, I am a heavy lover of random Youtube vlogger, specifically the abroad one. I enjoy simple YouTube content that shows their daily life as genuine as possible. No drama, no fake scripts, no flexing here and there.

My favorite Youtuber hasn't changed much from the previous year. The first one is obviously Emma Chamberlain, a 18-year-old girl with a rapid success on Youtube. She is famous for her editing style that zooms in on everything. Her channel blew up, she moved to LA and everything, she is just amazing. She is the one that is not afraid to speak her voice and stays true with herself. She is also active on her podcast called Stupid Genius. Currently, she is the ambassador of Louis Vuitton and Calvin Klein. Not surprised if you often see her attending some fashion shows. When I hear Emma Chamberlain, the first thing that comes to my mind is coffee. Yep, she's a coffee addict. A few days ago, she released her new business called Chamberlain coffee. She started her company selling coffee bag which is bloody brilliant if you think about it, just like a tea bag but coffee. She is just a genius!

Next are two YouTubers who are not too big, but their personality relates to mine as an introvert. They are Michelle Choi and Youjin 유진. Both emphasize the daily vlog content which they refer to as "Living alone diaries". Some people may feel monotonous and get tired of seeing it. But this does not apply to me. I'm obsessed with their content. I love seeing how they prepare their food, work out, clean the house, and organize the room. This makes me motivated in a strange way. Even reading it might make you feel strange or conversely, you feel the same as me.

These lists aren't limited to just what I mentioned. However, I only choose some of the most frequent of them. I, like most people, like to watch conspiracy theories, documentaries, and ridiculous pranks. Yet, if I have to choose something that is my favorite, something that helps me to chill and heal from all the hustle and bustle of life, some of the list above are still the answer.

- DAS -

This is a wound that I couldn't share.

It hurts and becomes widened.

It is indeed hard to be an introvert even though some people call you easy to get along and open with people. Honestly, I only explain what appears on the surface.

I am a person who is very easy to laugh, smile, sad, and cry. Therefore it is hard for me to convince others that I am sick, sad, or even depressed. It is very well covered. Some even call me lying just because I look energetic most of time, like nothing is wrong with me.

Maybe I laugh a lot because I am deprived of it. 

Maybe it is a coping mechanism for me.

But I go right back after that. 

I feel numb.

I am at the point that I couldn't explain anything that I feel right now. 

It is too much. 

It makes me sad.

Everything feels unfair.

I cry myself to sleep and been pretty down, a lot.

She is not strong.

Yet, she just tries to bear up.

Because, what else can she do?

- DAS -

This writing's driven by my confusion of some weird phenomena over the internet. If you know me from the very beginning, you know that I was a big fan of Dina Tokio. I do love her bubbly personality, a genuine one.
Dina Tokio adalah seorang fashion blogger (occasional fashion designer I would say) dan Youtuber yang dahulu dikenal melalui modest fashion atau hijab tutorial yang sering dia bagikan pada beragam platform yang dia miliki. Signature style Dina Tokio yang masih aku ingat pada saat itu adalah big head hijab style with a humongous scrunchie yang cukup booming di tahun 2010an. Literally humongous hijab style ever which give you kinda volumised hair but with a scarf on it. Hal lain yang tidak lepas dari identitas Dina Tokio adalah big pin yang dia pakai pada setiap hijab style. If I think about it now, it was so silly but it did look so good back then though. She's just so damn beautiful so she can pull off any hijab style. I did really adore her style, her beauty, her personality, her fashion style, ah just everything about her. I was a fan girl.

Tidak lama dari style tersebut, Dina kemudian mulai mengenalkan turban style yang cukup berbeda dengan turban style pada umumnya. Obviously she made it a little bit higher for her look. Sama seperti Dina, everyone's got their signature style, seperti Dian Pelangi, muslim designer Indonesia, dengan gaya turban yang dilengkapi inner ninja, dan Ascia, Kuwaiti-based blogger, dengan turban yang edgy dan wrap yang rendah dan sederhana.

Fenomena ini menggiring banyak perempuan muslim maupun non muslim tertarik untuk mempelajari hijab dan berakhir pada pemahaman terhadap Islam. Atau dengan kata lain hal ini juga mengikis islmaphobia yang cukup gencar pada saat itu. Jelas, itu hal yang cukup menggembirakan dan membuat aku pribadi pada kala itu persistent pada pilihanku untuk berhijab. They just brought us a new fresh air.

It was a hot trend yet it brought some controversy around the community. Muslim community started questioning about what the hijab rule should be. Hal ini berawal ketika Dina Tokio mulai memperlihatkan rambutnya dari waktu ke waktu. Berawal dari rambut bagian atas yang sedikit terlihat hingga tidak lagi menggunakan inner ninja untuk menutupi lehernya pada saat menggunakan turban. Tidak hanya Dina, hal mengejutkan serupa juga dilakukan oleh Ascia yang memperlihatkan tattoo pada beberapa bagian tubuhnya. Pada awalnya hal ini cukup mengagetkan, namun semakin lama hal ini menjadi wajar dimataku dan mungkin beberapa orang lainnya. 

Common reason yang sering digunakan dalam balasan komentar yang menjelaskan bahwa apa yang mereka bagikan salah adalah: "Rata-rata orang yang mengomentari hal tersebut adalah pria. Apakah pria muslim juga sudah memikirkan hal tersebut pada dirinya sendiri? Bahwa pria tidak boleh menggunakan emas, tidak bolah potong rambut dengan gaya skin fade, dsb. Cukup lucu bahwa itu tidak direfleksikan pada dirinya sendiri. Hijab lebih dari sekedar scarf di kepala. Konsep hijab itu luas dan mencakup hijab personality as a moslem..."

Komentar seperti itu muncul selama 6-7 tahun lebih dan masih berlanjut hingga saat ini. I was positioning myself as objective as possible to see this issue. Di sisi orang yang berkomentar hal ini sebenarnya baik, yaitu untuk mengingatkan, tetapi beberapa orang menganggapnya cukup mengganggu dan seperti menyerang Dina di depan umum. They assumed that it would be better if they send her a message privately to make it polite. Dina terkesan bertingkah defensif dengan menegaskan bahwa moslem influencer bukan sebutan yang ia usung, tetapi muncul karena labelling dari masyarakat pada awalnya. It bothered me a lot to be honest. Hingga pada suatu titik dimana dia didekati oleh seorang pria di tube dan diingatkan bahwa apa yang dia pakai tidak sesuai ajaran islam. She felt offended and explained it on YouTube which it made me shaking my head. Bagiku tidak ada yang salah dengan mengingatkan. Beberapa mendukungnya dan beberapa yang lain mulai memberikan kritik terhadap Dina. Me? From deep down of my heart I know she's wrong, but I kinda act indifferent with the situation even though i was truly sad with her statement. 

She's gradually showing her hair and her skin. Now, she completely takes her hijab off...

Back then I was so silent understood by some as a good attitude. They called me smart, kind, and humble. Such a big burrito, right? However, what is clear for me is I WAS SO FREAKIN' SHY. Sometimes somethings scared me to the point of making my body sweat and all of  the sudden it all became chaotic. Talking was like a nightmare to me, like a homework of 10 pages of essay in a day

I always feel bad towards others. I often say "sorry" and automatically think about it all day long.

When I was in college, I gave up all of my time on group projects. Simply, because I wanted to be the best. I worked hard for almost 7/7. There was a never-ending competitive feeling that urge me to be the best of the people around me. "If they can do it, why can't I?"

I easily felt so drained at that time, but I insisted. My friends often got good grades because of the results of my work, although they only gave the slightest effort to the project. Immaterial, I said. One thing I always say: "It's okay." 

Stupid sentence if I think about it now.

I was so young at that time.
Everything for me seems exciting. 

Everything seems to matter so much.
I give fucks for everything.

Then, as I grow older something else begins to change. My energy levels drop. I become selective about fucks I'm willing to give. Not that I was indifferent or cold like many people say. Otherwise, I call it as "maturity".

I remember that there is a famous Indonesian modest designer who said in her book that it is better for us to always pretend to be kind and happy eventhough it is fake so that other people feel better and comfortable around us. My response toward it: That is a complete bullshit. There are many things that contradict my principles. For me, I don't need to give a fuck about everything. I'm not saying she is wrong. It's a matter of perspective and what principle do you believe in.

Several times I got a reprimand from a friend just because there were some people who thought I was quite cold and act indifferent. If I feel unfamiliar, I tend to be as quiet as I am who really doesn't know him. I don't need to act fake by smiling at someone who I only know by face at the same workplace with me without getting acquainted before just because I feel bad not greeting him. That's stupid thing ever!

Several times I encountered something like this. They talked about this behind me, which I didn't care about. If that is the case, which I don't think is a problem, why don't they just greet me as they think before? Don't make it that hard.

This is the problem.

One thing I learned as I'm getting older is that when we give too many fucks about everything, then we will feel as though we are perpetually titled to feel happy and comfortable at all times. That's when life fucks us. Indeed, the ability to keep our fucks for only the most fuckworthy of situations would absolutely make our life a hell of a lot easier.

- DAS -

So, this is the randomest thing I've ever written among other random things before.

And of course, the other side of me that I rarely share to everyone.

In the past couple of weeks, I accidentally jumped into a song which made me instantly sad like a coward when I first heard it: Location unknown by Honne.

Yes

Everybody.

Know.

It.

I feel like my feelings for almost 8 years entirely summarized in this song. It's freakin' crazy. It felt like all the feelings that I didn't realize were a burden for me breaking down at once.

I'm quite closed when it comes into "relationship", except for a few people I trust. People I believe to look after it. Since he's such an integral part of my life and remembering that my blog as a place for me to share about my lifestyle, it only make sense he would make an appearance. I've never shared how we got together. There are things that not even my family and my friends know about the start of our relationship back then that made it so special.

It is funny for me to look back on it. Seeing how simple my faith was during this time. I so simply trusted. Sometimes it baffles me to see how I responded to so many situations, to see the faith God gave me to traverse what would have otherwise been trying and heart-wrenching decisions. 

I mean..

Long distance relationship is not a task without costs (emotionally, relationally but also financially). Instead, I'm grateful that he gave us both a deep peace that seemed to melt the miles and fold away the distance.

I just simply trusted that it must be what is for the best for us to live far away from each other, at least for now, and get to know one another via near-daily phone calls and the occasional weekend visit (two or three times in a year).

For you who are currently 848 kilometers away from me, this relationship for freakin' 8 years is hard. I know you have been struggling, instead I believe that you are worth the wait.

Hopefully..

Hopefully in the end everything goes parallel, hand in hand as it should ..

As we both plan.

- DAS -

This murmur flashed in my mind.

I feel like I have to write quickly to be immortalized.

To later be your reading material.

To be a slick sharing material.

Although at this time I lay on my bed and feel feverish throughout my body.

--

Lately I have been processing all the great and unpredictable events in the past two to three months.

I never cease to be thankful for what I have now.

Honestly, I had a hard time five months ago, and when I experienced difficulties on the journey, I started asking, "Why did God give me a quite winding road like this?" "Why am I a very complicated person in making choices that at the end of the day it leads me to a disappointment and a journey to fight back?" Questions like that have long remained silent in my mind. Then, a friend of mine came and was like throwing a ball in my face. He said "Don't blame God about your journey. You are the one that just too picky. You throw away some golden tickets for the uncertain things". 

I was silent: "What happened to me?" 

It was my weakness but it was like running towards me to attack.

When some people started questioning why it took me a long time to get back to looking for a job, it felt like I just wanted to be quiet. Sometimes there are things in your life that you don't need to explain to others, because.. I felt like it wasn't human capacity to answer. In fact, I'm busy choosing career opportunities that already exist. People started to give their opinions about me. You know what? Opinions are like assholes and everyone's got one. 

Yes. I am, again, talking about careers.

I always base all my life's journey on God's plan. Don't get me wrong. I meant what I believed in. I just need time to choose the things that can stipulate my heart and confidence. It takes me blink by blink to get here.

Long story short, I ended up working at a state owned company. And ... this is where I was able to see silver lining why God wanted to direct me here. Yep I didn't expect that I would really fit in with the culture, the people, and the work. Hamdulillah. As Sophia Amoruso said that there will always be a silver lining in everything. Once you begin to see it you will need sunglasses to combat the glare.

Every time I reflect on my previous experiences, I realize that everything I hate at the end of the day always becomes the best choice for me. In fact, when I choose everything I like (but my parents don't) it always ends up being a scourge for me. Funny, isn't it?

Even if I may be honest, the current work is soooo hard, but I am very challenged to continue to be able to provide more value to the company. One thing that I can pick and make it as a value of learning in my career based on my experience: Choose a job that keeps you motivated to learn. It's hard, even very difficult. You don't give up at all. Instead, it makes you motivated and very comfortable with the circle. That's the right career for you. Compete with yourself, not others. Trust me, there will always be a secret opportunity in every failure you have experienced. One more thing: Don't forget to consider the choice between your parents.

Believe me it's only a matter of time and determination.

Hopefully it will be a reflection for everyone reading this.

Hopefully you continue to believe that God will not put you in situations that are not your capacity.

21 March 2019

- The day that changed my life -

Sebagaimana judul postingan ini, kalian pasti sudah bisa menebak mengapa tanggal 21 Maret 2019 aku katakan sebagai hari yang merubah hidupku. Yap, itu karena aku menjalani lasik surgery. Jujur, selama lebih dari 15 tahun tidak pernah terbayang sebelumnya aku akan menjalani operasi ini untuk mengurangi myopia ku. Simply karena aku merasa terlihat lebih proper saat mengenakan kacamata haha. Mungkin, hanya karena belum terbiasa. Mungkin juga karena risikonya. Ya, itu yang utama.

Menjalani lasik ini adalah kemauan orang tuaku. Berawal dari gagal di tahap tes kesehatan masuk salah satu BUMN karena tingginya myopia (rabun jauh) dan astigmatism (silinder) yang aku punya pada saat itu, membuat orang tuaku berpikir bahwa ini seperti obstacle bagiku untuk dapat bekerja di tempat tersebut. Fyi, kondisi myopia dan astigmatisme ku terakhir adalah OD -4.5 myopic, 0.75 astigmatism; OS -5.75 myopic, 1.0 astismatism. Sedangkan berdasarkan rumor yang beredar untuk masuk ke salah satu BUMN tersebut, maksimal minus mata adalah sekitar -4.00 hingga toleransi -4.5.

Berbicara soal lasik sendiri, terdapat dua macam lasik yang tersedia di SALC yakni lasik microkeratome dan lasik femto. Metode yang berbeda sudah pasti mempengaruhi harga yang ditawarkan. Aku sendiri sudah mendengar ReLEx SMILE yaitu metode lasik generasi terbaru dengan proses penyembuhan yang lebih cepat karena tidak adanya proses pembuatan flap sebagaimana dua jenis lasik sebelumnya. Sayangnya, ReLEx SMILE ini belum tersedia di rumah sakit mata di Surabaya. Pada awalnya aku memilih lasik femto karena melihat pengalaman teman yang sebelumnya juga memilih metode ini pada saat lasik di JEC. Namun, setelah mempertimbangkan kondisi kornea, dr. Irma Praminiarti, Sp. M, dokter yang menangani lasik surgery ku pada saat itu, lebih menyarankan microkeratome.

Hal yang perlu dipahami mengenai lasik itu sendiri adalah bahwa lasik hanya akan mengurangi minus mata yang ada saat ini namun tidak mencegah minus yang timbul di kemudian hari. Inilah mengapa lasik hanya boleh dilakukan apabila umur seseorang sudah mencapai 19 tahun karena pada umur tersebut minus diyakini tidak akan lagi bertambah. Akan tetapi, pada beberapa kasus mungkin kalian akan menemui beberapa orang yang mengalami peningkatan myopia hingga umur 30 tahun. Kondisi ini pada dasarnya dipengaruhi oleh banyak faktor, seperti faktor genetis maupun faktor lingkungan (lingkungan kerja yang mengharuskan bekerja di depan PC secara terus menerus).

Pemeriksaan Mata

Tidak semua orang dapat menjalani lasik. Oleh karena itu, sebelum menjalani lasik perlu dilakukan pemeriksaan secara menyeluruh untuk menentukan apakah mata dinyatakan layak menjalani lasik. Pemeriksaan dilakukan ketika mata benar-benar dalam keadaan sehat dan bebas dari penyakit mata. Penggunaan soft lens pun harus berhenti selama minimal 2 minggu sebelum menjalani pemeriksaan guna mengembalikkan kondisi kornea pada keadaan normal. Proses pemeriksaan ini sendiri memerlukan waktu kurang lebih 1-2 jam. Pada akhir tahap pemeriksaan mata, pasien akan ditetesi Midriatyl untuk melihat kondisi syaraf mata yang kemudian akan membuat penglihatan sedikit buram dan silau untuk beberapa jam ke depan. Oleh karenanya ketika menjalani proses ini penting bagi pasien untuk ditemani orang terdekat atau tidak mengemudi sendirian. 

Beberapa pertimbangan untuk lasik adalah sebagai berikut:

Lasik surgery

Proses lasik pada dasarnya hanya memerlukan waktu kurang lebih 10 menit dimulai dari proses corneal flap, corneal ablation (pengikisan permukaan kornea), hingga proses pengembalian flap kornea. Meskipun menggunakan bius lokal berupa obat tetes, aku sendiri tidak mengalami rasa sakit selama maupun pasca operasi. Setelah lasik dilakukan penglihatan tidak akan langsung mencapai 100%, namun berangsur membaik dari hari ke hari. Kontrol pun dilakukan pada satu hari, seminggu, dan juga sebulan setelahnya. Untuk menghindari komplikasi yang mungkin akan terjadi di samping kontrol yang dijadwalkan, pasien akan diberikan 2 (dua) obat tetes yaitu Tobradex dan Cenfresh/Cendo Lyters yang dipakai sesuai petunjuk dokter. 

Banyak hal yang diperhatikan seusai melukan lasik, seperti tidak menggosok mata, menggunakan pelindung mata saat tidur selama satu minggu, tidak melakukan olahraga ringan selama seminggu, tidak berenang selama satu bulan, mata tidak boleh terkena air selama satu minggu, tidak menggunakan make up mata selama satu bulan dan lain sebagainya.

   Obat tetes dan pelindung mata saat tidur

Hari ini adalah tepat seminggu setelah menjalani lasik. Penglihatan sudah dapat dikatakan mencapai 70% meskipun sesekali masih mengalami blur atau berbayang. Overall, aku pribadi cukup puas dengan keputusan menjalani lasik ini. Selain dari segi harga yang bisa dikatakan SALC ini cukup terjangkau dibandingkan dengan pengalaman teman yang menjalani lasik di JEC, lasik juga sangat membantu aku mendapatkan penglihatan yang lebih baik tanpa harus bergantung dengan kacamata.

Bagi kalian yang tertarik dan berminat untuk menjalani lasik, kalian dapat mengunjungi website SALC berikut untuk mengetahui informasi lebih lanjut seputar lasik dan dokter-dokter yang berpraktik di sana: www.rsmataundaan.co.id

- DAS -

I describe myself as a naive person rather than being afraid of others. Jealousy or astonishment of other people's behavior that are very positive and never show their failure always filled my mind at the moment. Honestly, it did make me feel worst or even the worst person alive. 

I tried to process all this negativity into some questions: Am I the only one who feels like this? Why does this become an obstacle for me to behave? 

The funny thing is that when you feel like this with other people, there are some people who actually feel the same way about you. Once I think about it, I am like "Wait, I don't have to feel this way. The solution is on me." I see the reflection of other people as an answer for my own insecurities.

This is a circle that won't ever stop. 

One thing I learned from this condition is that everybody else around you is just as insecure as you are. Everybody has insecurities. Everybody has self-doubt. Everyone was masking a lot of things because their animosity or their negativity or just the way they treated other people were just the reflection of how they dealing with on the inside. I understand that everyone will always try to decide how they want to be seen by others and what persona they want to show to the public. Even a mentor or adults you look up to.

If everybody has something, why are you letting people's energy take up space in your brain and in your own energy?

This is basically what I normally do when leisure time approaches and you classify yourself as an introvert, random sketching. 

Talking about fashion trends, the 1980s trend has been making a comeback for the past few years. For instance, a slip dress like the picture above, high-waisted jeans, colorful denim, checkers, fringe, and many more.

Fashion bloggers and SMIs are seen starting to bring back their favorite look with the classic items they have. Although this fashion trend has been there before, there will always be new things offered to the community. Not only about the outfit game, makeup by highlighting the multi color palette and lipstick also returns to the surface.

Me, as generation Y with the birth year of 1996, definitely missed this trend. That's why designers see the go-go decades interesting enough to be displayed again as a way, especially for millennial, to show what they want to experience.


Therefore, I personally see fashion is like time travel which we strive to navigate the past as an effort to see the future. There is no trend that is shackled in a period of time, but fashion is more than that. Everything is fresh, juicy, and fun. The use of classic items at the beginning of time might look a little 'ew', but the more you see it the more you think that this is something that you never thought you would need.